that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.