That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
A short story of betrayal:
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.