That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”