That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The devil.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.