That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
She: I like Cats
He:
my professor scared me for a second
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?