“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”