“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
So true for me
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers