That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me irl
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts