That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When I laugh on my period
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us