Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You Might Also Like
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Sticker placement is key.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings