I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
every. time.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”