“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”