“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.