“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
No way!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.