Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues