“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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SNOW WHITE: so how鈥檇 you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
掳at Nike advertising meeting掳
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I鈥檓 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The only time I get anxiety is when I鈥檓 picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I relish the fact that you鈥檝e mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I鈥檓 sure if I lay here and ignore it, it鈥檒l go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.