“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions