Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You Might Also Like
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.