Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?