That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Inside you there are two wolves
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat