“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.