That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Well, this certainly took a turn
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.