Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”