“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1