Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.