A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.