[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college