That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“you recording!?”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
#parenting
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good