Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time