*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.