[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
i have never needed anything in my life more than this