“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.