I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.