That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
when dads have a rap battle
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.