That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
incredible
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early