That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?