That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Do not levitate over flowers
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate