That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
need him
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
🌱🌱🌱
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics