living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together