“That’s what” – She
You Might Also Like
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?