First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail