The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
You Might Also Like
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.