The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“I FIXED IT!”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly