“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
That de-escalated quickly