The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
You Might Also Like
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
when dads have a rap battle
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer