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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
this is what they would have looked like, though
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.