The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.