It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?