The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Air conditioning – not a fan
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
LA today:
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
i could never be president. im overqualified.