The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Morning.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.