Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.