The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
You Might Also Like
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok