@weinerdog4life: The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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@CheetohFace: The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me one of your long term goals" Sleeping "No, I meant-" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change
@causticbob: Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do. Unless it's a stranger in a queue in Primark.
@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.